Life or something like it
Thursday, October 28, 2004
3:47PM - moving
i thought my username was a lttle 4th grade(when i got this-ish)
add me down as longpastgone
see you there.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
3:27PM - days fly by.....
Damn... so tired, so much to do stiil. Endless homework, endless chores, so much i want to do but no time. You know what... i wish i could make a deal with "god" that if he ends the need for sleep in humans.... he can take the number of years of for how much time i was supposed to sleep. hmmmm. i don't know if that makes sense... but WTF anyway.
I've determined that there are only a select few of truly beautiful people anymore, it feels as if in the last few weeks or so i've been seeing peoples true colors.... some crayola.... some store brand. You really don't know who your friends are until you have problems... and need advice... then they aren't there for you.
What a horrible species we are......
I am so fuckin sick of school and the people in it... I mean AVERYONE... is ignorant. At least 30 people i come in contact with on a daily basis, i stop and think, "What a Dumb ASSSS!" i mean my whole biology class, at least 2/3s of my French ( MaryJane can vouch for this), and the drama in Theatre is outrageous!!!
i wish that stupid class would buck up and enjoy theatre class instead of bringing personal vendettas in leave it at the GD door.
Everyone judges me so harshly, people who don't even know me.
Fuck em, fuck em all.
"you go to hell, you go to hell and you die."
on a happier hand my friendships still in tact are holding fast... it's perhaps the only thing that gets me through the day. It funny contact by anyone who i am slipping from, really irks me... gets under my skin..i will seriously be grossed out at the sight of someone.
(so much for a happy tone.) This gloomy weather sn't helping me either.
I AM SUCH A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING!
Friday, September 10, 2004
Nothing is fair in love and war. i have done nothing to the little prick... aka john, and he's attacking john left and right not to mention myself! My face is still tender to the touch wear that asshole punched me!! i hate him. yes, hate is a strong word but in this case it is the only appropriate word to describe the passion of this dislike. he will pay! mwahhahahahahaha!
I'm really worried about Christy, hell crystal too. They skip like all morning up until lunch, and I wish she would take my advice not to skip. i know i am no one to preach being i did that last year, but i know the consequences, i know the reprocutions and i know how much damage and hell it can bring you. i know i sound hipocritical but this is an every day thing for her. Now's not the time to be cutting school anyway. There was a report on the news for christ sakes about how police are scanning all around the school zones looking for skipper's, they have already made plenty of arrests. PLEASE, MY FRIENDS WHO SKIP, BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!
Schools ok. i enjoy my classes and blah blah blah. i still feel i'm the last to know EVERYTHING! and it's usually true. but all in all it's ok.
i'm really missing my social afterschool life though. I got the worst fucking thing said to me. I"m submissive. MJ told me that when we were talking about how fucked up our lives are and how crazy our moms are. I know me and my mom don't have the best relationship, but all in all i'm trying to get back on the right track and i'm trying to respect her rules. MJ gets away with everything!! or at least slide out of it. well i can't lie worht a shite and i can't get away with hardly anything. But i don't want to get away with everything, cuz i try to do good and i think submissive is a little bit harsh. butt i love MJ and i respect her honesty.
well all is well in the kingdom.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
1:15PM - inevitable truths
1. me and mom get along better with erika gone.
2. i am in love bam margera.
3. i still love and miss john.
4. i worry constantly about chauns antics.
5. i want to be part of my aunts family.
6. i have too many regrets.
7. i'm addicted to smoking.
8. my favorite band is googoo dolls
9. i sing myself to sleep evrynight, to "name" by googoodolls.
10. i have a sick sense of humor.
11.i have preminitions, but wonder if they are coincedence.
12.haley is perhaps the most fun to hang out with after school.
13. i am jealous of karin's body.
14. i wish i was more easy going.
15. i hold my dad responsible for mom's downfall.
16.i honestly think my dad has HIV.
17. i want my mom to get remarried.
18. but i don't know to whom.
19. if anyone says the word hungee, i will laugh hysterically.
20. i hold my nickname, "wandy", near and dear to my heart.
21. i don't have anyone exclusivly that i can call my best friend.
22. i desperatly want someone to say when asked who is your best friend in the whole wide world,to say my name.
23. i am cynical.
24. my sister aggitates me, with all the theatre, dance, and "i can make my own knock off clothing".
25. i can't decide wether i think she's full of shit when it come's to that, or i'm simply jealous.
26. the man sitting next to me in the libary currently, creeps me out, i don't know why.
27. i am under the impression, nothing will ever get better.
28. i think mom resents shannon, cuz i always talk about her.
29. i don't think i look like anyone in my family.
30. i love chaun, on both levels, but don't want to potentially ruin our solid friendship.
31. i think chaun's ex girlfriend Caitlin, has serious, commintement isuues.
32. And serious issues peoiod.
33. chris messinger, was fat.
34.i want to work at barnes and noble.
35.i don't mind mom at the bar but i get really lonely and bored at home by myself.
36. i really want to tan and get a manicure.
37. i love hot pockets.
38. if i was to have sex with any woman, it would be angelina jolie.
39. i miss matt, but i'm mad at him.
40. i miss scott nowling immensly.
41. i think my mom's crazy cuz she constantly tells me she wants me to be with scott.
42. no one really listens.
43. i don't believe in any organized religion.
44. i wish i could see my child hood best friend amanda duncan.
45. i would like to know what ever became of my talented best friend Cana Stephens.
46. i don't want to take french class this fall.
47. I wish i could be in the fat 5
48. i use writing to relieve stress.
i write alot.
49. i have cut since may
50.i'm very self consience
51. but i really don't care what other people say about me.
52.my favorite color is orange, but i like purple.
53. if values were colors then it would be black.
54. i have low standars in guys.
55. the last year and a half i lost my morals and values.
56. i only thought about them when i was afraid of getting caught.
57. i think the devil on my shoulder, bound and gagged my angel.
58. i love haleys obsession with tim burton films.
59.spun, blow, thirteen, crank: made in america are some of the most insightful movies.
60.i love christy and crystal, and yet i hate them.
61. or at least whov they become.
62.i wish i could be more like rose.
63. i actually think rose doesn't like me too well.
64.i wonder what charles walls thinks of me
65.this list was inspired by haley.
66. this is for you: we will forever quote drop dead fred.
67. i hate johns skull ring.
68. i hate how he always talks about finger armour.
69. eventually all things must come to an end.
12:50PM - Social contact in 8 days!
What the fuck! i just read on abbys lj, that chaun was kicked out! WTF! i'm so lost , i don't know a single thing thats going on with friends anymore. and as happy as i am about going back to school,(god that sounds nerdy), i am reluctant to hear all the fun things people did over summer.
woke up bad this morning, mom was yelling about everything, cuz there was this milk that went bad and i took it out of the fridge and hadn't poured it out yet. i have 15 minutes to get dressed and ready for the day and she's yelling about the milk jug. i had zero time. she told me this was the year to prove myself and if i don't skip, make the grade and do my work around the house, junior year i'll be home free. i know i can do this and i'm going to do this. but this morning she made this lame comment of, "i can already tell your not going to do well this school year". that made me cry. I've been behaved for awhile now, and she's goinna say that b.s over the milk jug. hell yeah i was going to be a little snotty, when i'm doing all this stuff at one time. i know i've fucked up in the past, but still, if she wants me to do better, i need encouragment, not degrading things like what she says. just movin on.
well i saw Jelly on sunday. i was at my aunts house for alisons birthday party, and jelly rolled down lasalle on her bike,sporting a lovely helmet. lol. i miss you kellbell!
i am babysitter extrodinaire! shannon watches salara( afriends kid) and raylea(my cousin). And of course i help her with all the stuff.so i'm a pro now.
well i'm pretty ok now, i'm hanging in, actually not even hanging i'm standing firm. things are going good, xcept this morning's incident.
mucho love to everyone.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
5:58PM - ::a thought::
It's creepy sometimes how fast your mood can change.
or how alone you feel in an empty house
or how quiet it gets in the dark
and you feel like somethings watching you
I'll sit in a dark corner
in the dark quirt house
5:02PM - Mucho stuff happening
Well, it's been a while. And not everything is fine and dandy. Lets recap:
1. i skipped my last day of summer school, which i regret. Mr.wilson called my mom, i got in trouble but fortuanatly i still got my credit.
2. well i went out to lunch with mom, and spent the night with christy (or my inntentions were too). Well me and john were pissy at each other, and long story short i stayed out till 1:30 am, with christy, skurt, the apollos twins, smoked and eventually made ouy with skurt.
3. john broke up with me but took me back cuz of it.
4. we were robbed. my sis's dvd player was taken, our ps2,and n64. We all thought it was john.well i talked to him and he said skurt was selling a dvd player, ps2, and n64. hmmmmm. well of course i believe john. i don't think he would do that to me. maybe i'm just naive. but the police are looking into it. John said he woulld tell the detective about what he knows about skurt. i hope it'll go ok. but to put the icing on the cake my mom thinks i helped them break in by letting them know where the key was. she thinks i got some of the profits. OK!? why the fuck would i do that????
5. I stole a cigarette from my sister, and she noticed so her and my mom ransacked my room finding old letters about ex boyfriends from 7th grade and all this petty crap i did back then , etc.etc, and now she thinks i've slept with all my boyfriends, and i'ma little ho.
I know i brought a lot of this shit down on myself and i regret it, but i can't even have a simple plesant conversation in my house with out some crude , derogatory remark being made. it hurts.
I'm really starting to anticipate school now. simply so i don't have to be around mom so much. i can come home and shut my self in my room all night doing "homework". Besides it's a chance to prove to my mom that i'm not as hopeless as she thinks i am. I want her to love and accept me again. I've really ruined it between us. But if i can't fix it by the time i'm out of higfh school fuck it. cuz i'm just gonna wipe her away if we're still on shakey territory. cuz it won't be worth it. i miss my friends too.
Erika moves out next week, HALLELUJAH!!!!!! good ridance to bad rubish. no more of her bullshit. she swears to god that no one likes me any more and that i write all this for sympathy. but i don't. writting is a release for me. it always has been. and mabey there is a small chance of hope that someone cares about me, and would like to know whats up, or if anyone has advice.
i feel so dead sometimes, like i'm not cared about. i guess thats the impression one gets in a household where they're unaccepted. hell, i'm so vulnerable nowadays i cry if my cat won't let me hold him. i take it so personally. i question everything. i am thinking about everything. i have insomnia because i have so much shit running through my brains. the only thing i am certain about is john. i atleast he knows he likes me. even if for the wrong reasons. When i talk to him he honestly sounds sincere and loving, like he actually does miss me. i don't knw though.
I"m spending my days at shannons which is nice thouh. i like takig care of salara, and especially raylea. their just so innocent. things will get better once school starts though.
i actually count down the hours till it's a reasonable bed time so i can escape my relatives. i go over to shannons in the mornings, and come home via bus at like 5:25. thats when the counting starts. cuz i love shannons house. it's fun as hell .mom also keeps changing her mind about me dying my hair blond again. i'm not counting on it any more though.
well i am relaxed now. god speed.
Friday, May 28, 2004
4:42PM - damn
God, i hate john. He's sittin, writing all these sinister remarks, and he doesn't even know the hell i can bring him. I can tear apart his whole family. I know things about his father that he doesn't want ppl to know, and one simple phone call, can fuck up his whole insignificant life. rawr.
I just got my hair cut, it's cute, but way too, short. i feel like i'm in 5th grade. it's like the girl offa drop dead fred.
felicia's spending the night! YEAH! she's sitting right next to me as a matter of fact. lol
no ones online. grrrrr
boredom. ooo, i gotta poop, brb.
John, i know you fucking changed my password. you know, you sure are a bitter son of a bitch.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
3:33PM - happy thoughts
Well thank god chaun's alive, and in Indiana. Chaun got drunk and went to juvi, but thank god for probation cuz he can't go to NEw YOrk!!!!! I tried to tell him something bad was going to happen, but would he listen to me... NOOO! At least he's back, i dunno what i would do without him.
Chris wants me to go to Massachutes with his dad and him, mom will never let me go, there's no point in trying, but i wanna see how my persuaion is. It's not like i would fuck him or anything, god me and him are strictly cozy couple. I had waited 9 months before i had sex with John, and i don't feel that same connection with chris, but he is fun to hang with.
I need to stay after for ALgebra help, bitch wasn't there today and I NEED HELP!!! I'll try tomorrow.
Why is it Christy likes everyone i do?? I got a guy and i don't really care, but i do. ya know?? i love Christy to death, and all the rest of the FOrest Manor gang, but it feels like they're still really immature. Christy has grown a little more than the others but i feel like I"ve outgrown them. Chaun and Kari, and Kristen and Abby, not to mention Emy, are all random and goofy, but handel situations responsibly. They're more like me. I love my buds.
SHOUT OUT TO THE AUDITORIUM HALLWAY GANG!!!!
Anyways today waas good, i made Mooby the calf, and a duck outta clay! how fun is that. well thats the show.
ps: KELLBELL NEEDS TO LAY OFF THE GRASS. LOL MR.OWENS KNOWS. BUT SINGING THE ANTS SONG IS ALOT FUNNIER WHEN KELLYS HIGH. HEEHEE, HUNRYR HUNGRY HIPPOS.
Friday, May 14, 2004
3:25PM - life's a stage....
well, i shall update you even tho evry one already knows...
i won best dance line, at ripples, Paul YOung ( super hot... i like), took me to tom's house for a party,we smoked, i got there and KArin a=gave me a beer, met up with Boarder. We made out and shit. But i went out with chris. I honest to god regret doing that with Boarder now. I still like him but he's a man ho, what can ya do? Chris found out, but took me back lovingly. I love happy endings don't you? (beat) I am getting caught up at school .I had a piece of shit b-day no thanks to my mom.. thats a story for another day tho.... Paul throwing a party tonight, i really wanna go but i don't have a way there. :( oh well. Mom prolly wouldn't let me go ne way. i had my party it was fun, we're sposed to go to greenwood tomorrow but mom still has my 30 bucks, i won't have enough to get my etnies.:(( < double frown. lol. I have a bad feeling tonight. I'm scared chaun's gonna drive home with Abe wasted. I love my Chaun, i hope he's ok. I've been having weird dreams about Paul, but i don't know him that well. I hope it quits, i am quite content with Chris (when he's actually in town.) He's so adorible, he's my little Scott stapp, ( fyi: lead singer of creed), well gotta go
Sunday, April 25, 2004
7:18PM - things r lookin up
so on the friday bomb threat me and chris messenger were talkin and chaun told me he likes me alot and wanted to ask me out. :D he's a badboy tho, i know he moved here cuz he was dealin in cali. but he's really sweet. life's goin well. well thats all
Saturday, April 17, 2004
7:03PM - harmful emotions...
God everything has to get dragged out. John was riding his bike when i was on my way home from the bus stop. he gave me this note and it was all " i love you and blah blah blah". read the comment he wrote below in the old entry. He called last night asking for all his shit back. i'm gladly giving it back as long as it keeps him outta my life. it hurts too much to see him with all of his stalker-esk qualities. he says i don't love him, but who the fuck is he to try and get into my head?? he needs to realize i'm better off without him. everythings improved even though this week has been really weird. my grades are improving, guys are so-so, and i'm not having to stress over him. i feel strange. crystal's been helping me alot. she wants to grow up to be a psychiatrist, and you can tell. she doesn't sugar coat things or lie, she tells it how it is and it helps, big time. i love her so much. she's great. you really can confide in her.i wanna party, but i won't .well.. ttfn
ps: Tuesday is nation SMOKE POT DAY!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
7:40PM - why me....
why does everything happen to me? let's start at the begining of the day. actually it started last night... Rob calledme and he was rel happyand cool. He said the age difference isn't bothering him as much and there's a chance that we could go out. i was ecstatic. i like him so much. he says that he's really starting to like me more and more. but today me, crystal, haley, david, and jp went into einstein's. jp bought me breadsticks and stuff and we were eating lemons and sugar. when we were in line though jane came in and she said that she talked to him about the age difference. a while back ago rob was like stalking jane and he asked her to prom (which he lied about and denied). he's a fucking hipocrit.but we went and put our stuff down in ms.youngs room and rob was in there. ashley was at einstein's too, and she announced that karin was being held for questoning. btw, andreas also got aressted which is total BULLSHIT! but we walked back to einstein cuz we had time to blow. rob came in and was all cute and nice, but he is so quiet and unopened. he told crystal that he likes me but the age thing is still an issue with him. one minute he's cool, and then it's a problem... can you say hot and cold??? i'm ready to just leave him alone. But anyways jp and i walked around, i found out he's into me and heather neely has a big problem with me. apparently i went out with some one named robert and cheated on him. FIrst of all i've never gone out with anyone named Robert and i've never cheated on any of my boyfriends and never could, i'm not that indecisive. i don't have the heart to do that to anyone. Then David, a guy i've know, but really only met like 2 days ago wants to ask me out. i don't wannea go out with him, i hardly know him, and he's not all that cute. jp is sweet, but i like him as a friend. what is wrong with me? the guy i like hates me and the guy that does like me is a friend. i wanna go a sexual. i can't ever what i want. i don't know what i'm gonna do. fuck everyone, i wanna crawl in a hole and die. goodbye .: spits upon world:
Monday, April 5, 2004
4:35PM - im at the libary
i have to wait till 5:45 for Ripples to start so i walked to glendale. nuthin much goin on here. I'm stuffed...... ahhhh bordem. today was a fairly good day at school. hahaha. chaun was checking out other boys penis's in the bathroom, thought everyone should know. Found out Rob really does like me... but the age diffrence thing still might get in the way... i hope not.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
5:11AM - mind's all aboggle
wow. todays been.... odd. i woke up around 1:30 this afternoon but it was strange. i don't know why. but i was really depressed. I took a shower and when i got out i mom was bitchin about water on the floor, and she didn'teven give me a chance to clean it up. She never gives me chances. I don't deserve any though i guess... after all the shit i've put her through. we walked up to linwood square and rented some movies, The Core and Gothika. went to macdonalds and i feel like a cow now, cuz i ate alot. mom was yellin at erika cuz of this missing phone cord. she needs to get over it. i am so empty right now. erika's kinda worried and it's got me thinkin. Rob isn't gonna be at school for 2 days. thank god. i really don't wanna talk to him again. he reallyinsulted me with this whole age thing. it's a fuckin three year difference. He's too concerned about how ppl think of him. matthew is over rated, he and i will never be together so i might as well stop dreamin. john's gone for good i'm guessing (althoughthat's for the better.) I think andreas is cute, and who ever reads this don't take it the wrong way. but he's a fucking perv, player, and one big infatuation, and i think itwould be good if all of woman kind stayed away from him. so, i atand back and watch everyone mess with Dan, and Andreas, and all of crystal and ashley's little affairs. everyone is sortta an open book to me and i like that cuz ppl think they can open up to me, but it hurts hearing about everyone else's love life while i'm stuck in the mud. i kinda burns my tast. why do i have to be so selfish????
i hate these emotions. why do i have to feel. and i feel like i'm never gonna even talk to another guy again......::sigh::...i need a kiss.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
well i accidentally hit enter so, read the one below first.... now that you're here. ROb apologized for being an assholetome. Even if he did ask me out, i couldn't stay with him cuz he cares to much about what other ppl think. I miss matt. i'll call him tomorrow. I feel so bad for Abby, i wanna slap Ahley O'Grady so hard for Crystal Tolan, and abby. i love her but she needs to learn the definition of slut, and when to shut up, like when talking about Andreas groping her. Whoopdeefiggendee! he does it to everyone. so what. I love my abby, i hope we can get closer, it sucks cuz we have only one class together. i am so alone, i need love, i have bein single....
Thursday, March 11, 2004
5:57AM - anything goes
I am so physically tired but mentally I’m totally awake. I hate that. All in all I had a good day today. Rented some movies: Pirates of the carribean, Dickie Roberts former childhood star, and mona lisa smile. I love Orlando bloom. ::Drool:: Dad and mike took me and Erika to wally world& cici’s pizza. I got new undies!!!!! Yeah!!!!!
And I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m gonna give into mom’s lame ass ideaof seeing a psychiatrist. I don’t understand the concept of how it can help but I’m sick of feeling this way and I don’t know how to stop it.I’m trying tobe positive about it. We’ll see how itgoes. Well TTFN.
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
6:23AM - BORED
NO ones fuckin online. i'm bored outta my skull. kari wrote backOMG. my head is throbbing. i'm readin evryonesjournals about how they hink their ugly. i am so boat with yall. i feel ugly. i can never get the look i go for. i see karin and everyone else all caught up in love triangles. you don't know how lucky u are. i'm stapled to a boring , off limits guy, who treats me likeshit. perfect. :( none of my things work out. like rob. rob mulligan and i were really talkin and he cut it off cuz age. fuck age!!!!! it's ridiculos. then he drives the knife further by asking me if i had any friends. fuck him, fuck me. fuck men. fuck my ugly face. i don't need em. i wish i could get somethingnew..... and hot... like jeff meyers. :drool: hunk. it'll never happen. i'll forever be a failure depressed, lonely cutter.
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