Mandy (tiggergirl55) wrote,
Mandy
tiggergirl55

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Mucho stuff happening

Well, it's been a while. And not everything is fine and dandy. Lets recap:
1. i skipped my last day of summer school, which i regret. Mr.wilson called my mom, i got in trouble but fortuanatly i still got my credit.
2. well i went out to lunch with mom, and spent the night with christy (or my inntentions were too). Well me and john were pissy at each other, and long story short i stayed out till 1:30 am, with christy, skurt, the apollos twins, smoked and eventually made ouy with skurt.
3. john broke up with me but took me back cuz of it.
4. we were robbed. my sis's dvd player was taken, our ps2,and n64. We all thought it was john.well i talked to him and he said skurt was selling a dvd player, ps2, and n64. hmmmmm. well of course i believe john. i don't think he would do that to me. maybe i'm just naive. but the police are looking into it. John said he woulld tell the detective about what he knows about skurt. i hope it'll go ok. but to put the icing on the cake my mom thinks i helped them break in by letting them know where the key was. she thinks i got some of the profits. OK!? why the fuck would i do that????
5. I stole a cigarette from my sister, and she noticed so her and my mom ransacked my room finding old letters about ex boyfriends from 7th grade and all this petty crap i did back then , etc.etc, and now she thinks i've slept with all my boyfriends, and i'ma little ho.

I know i brought a lot of this shit down on myself and i regret it, but i can't even have a simple plesant conversation in my house with out some crude , derogatory remark being made. it hurts.
I'm really starting to anticipate school now. simply so i don't have to be around mom so much. i can come home and shut my self in my room all night doing "homework". Besides it's a chance to prove to my mom that i'm not as hopeless as she thinks i am. I want her to love and accept me again. I've really ruined it between us. But if i can't fix it by the time i'm out of higfh school fuck it. cuz i'm just gonna wipe her away if we're still on shakey territory. cuz it won't be worth it. i miss my friends too.
Erika moves out next week, HALLELUJAH!!!!!! good ridance to bad rubish. no more of her bullshit. she swears to god that no one likes me any more and that i write all this for sympathy. but i don't. writting is a release for me. it always has been. and mabey there is a small chance of hope that someone cares about me, and would like to know whats up, or if anyone has advice.
i feel so dead sometimes, like i'm not cared about. i guess thats the impression one gets in a household where they're unaccepted. hell, i'm so vulnerable nowadays i cry if my cat won't let me hold him. i take it so personally. i question everything. i am thinking about everything. i have insomnia because i have so much shit running through my brains. the only thing i am certain about is john. i atleast he knows he likes me. even if for the wrong reasons. When i talk to him he honestly sounds sincere and loving, like he actually does miss me. i don't knw though.
I"m spending my days at shannons which is nice thouh. i like takig care of salara, and especially raylea. their just so innocent. things will get better once school starts though.
i actually count down the hours till it's a reasonable bed time so i can escape my relatives. i go over to shannons in the mornings, and come home via bus at like 5:25. thats when the counting starts. cuz i love shannons house. it's fun as hell .mom also keeps changing her mind about me dying my hair blond again. i'm not counting on it any more though.
well i am relaxed now. god speed.
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